Those little moments of doubt
I thought it’s been a while since I wrote an outing on here, but my thoughts have been in a weird place. Let’s just do a quick summary of what I’ve been up to:
- I’ve been doing my Photo365, albeit sluggishly
- I recently completed the challenged of VEDA (Vlog Every Day in April)
- I bought a Canon EOS 650 film SLR
- I said farewell to a good friend who’s now spending 8 months in Australia
- I purchased some giant sized Lego
- I did some creative writing
- I’ve been working
It looks and sounds like a pretty healthy list of things to be doing, though because I have been engaging in some areas more than others, some elements have been pushed on the backburner. Because I did things like VEDA, the task of putting a video out was my priority ahead of say, editing photos or thinking if I have taken my photo for the day, much less upload them onto facebook so people knew I was still doing it; or finish off those business cards I had planned or started the promotion video I had planned again for business.
Now I’m sitting here typing this, in what has been the first time I’ve just not done anything, even on a day off, and there’s a feeling that I haven’t seen come up in a good while, doubt. Why doubt dear David? I think it’s simple because despite doing all the numerous things I have listed above, am I actually doing enough? Some may answer yes or no, but hear me out.
I’ve been doing Photography for short of five years and I’ve had some many learning experiences, I’m starting to now further engage the elements of perfection, timing, seizing the moment when it arrives, but is it because I’m forcing myself to do it or because I’m subconsciously doing it to keep my passions and engagements going? I’ve been doing the youtube/vlog project for about 9 months, with a background of 7 years of video editing practise, and naturally during the process of making a video for thirty straight days requires you to be creative, original and consistent, it does take energy from everything else, but despite some of the good and not-so good videos that were made, was it enough for me to keep doing what I’ve done? Or do I need to evolve to get that balance? Am I asking these questions because it’s whether I am working hard and pushing myself or needing to the hear the satisfaction of others?
In the end, it only solely depends on me and maybe the reason I doubt myself is because I am focusing on one element at a time rather than maintaining a balance between all of them, keeping me happy with what I do. An interesting fact is that before April, I had read four books, which is an accomplishment as normally my output was two per year, yet I cannot seem to start the fifth book which has been sitting nearby, calling to be read and I can’t seem to get beyond the first page at the moment. Back to the element at hand, one of my idols when it comes to chasing my goals is Chris Jericho, before you start giving me the looks and glares, if you look at his career, he’s been able to live his dreams and maintain it without wearing himself out, how does he do this? He has balance and is able to jump from one thing to another without looking a step out of place. Normally if I have doubt, I watch his DVD about his life because it always inspires and motivates me, while watching this time did do that somewhat, it made me realise what I was doing wrong.
I am too wrapped up in some of the projects I do that if I spend too time on one, I forget the others, and while I loved doing VEDA, I feel proud to have done it, but everything else got left in the shadow and now I have time to go back to them after using time to relax from not making a video, it feels alien to think about them again. I am starting to understand that I need a balance and to have a schedule to work to beyond work hours otherwise I will be at an imbalance and I’m going to repeat this process all over again. I need to get control of the balance and remind myself that I love photography because I love being creative; I love making videos because I love being creative; I love creative writing because I love being creative; I love watching other people do those things because they are being creative.
It’s time to stop worrying and doubting about my abilities because I will only let myself down in thinking the outcome is the way forward when I keep telling others that it’s the journey that makes a difference. The doubt is those moments where you feel should pack up but is also a wakeup call because it’s about making the most of your time, and I have been. I just need to remember that when spending time in one area before moving onto the next, that’s where I need to find my balance and I’ll hopefully have it again soon.
